"Past Due" Baby Update (Baby #2)

Okay, on to baby number two (if you have the will to stick it out through another lengthy update).

So, things in the adoption area have not been running so smoothly either. A few weeks ago, we got our first shocking email from the birth mother of our little girl. She has been having second thoughts and is wanting to keep the baby now. At first, we were just terribly shocked and hurt-it came out of nowhere-she is sixteen (well, I guess she just had a birthday-so seventeen)!!!! Nothing ever gave us the indication that such a young girl, with her whole life ahead of her, would want to make this terrible mistake, but alas, she is pregnant and attached to this baby (which, being pregnant myself, I have a strong understanding of right now). After the initial shock and sadness wore away, we went through an ANGRY stage where I just didn't want to discuss it, think about it-whatever. I was just mad. We had been planning and preparing for this little blessing that had been HANDED to us, now I was left to figure out "what are we to learn from this?" not to mention, what do I do with all this baby girl stuff I had been accumulating-Just maddening for a pregnant woman who is trying to nest! Then, a few days later, our attitudes were all about this little baby girl and have remained there to this day. I could not (still can't) understand why her needs are not being put first and foremost? I actually have had time to think about this a lot (and through emails, we have tried to give our two cents about all this to this young birth mom) and what it all boils down to is she doesn't realize what she will be keeping from her daughter. She doesn't understand the ramifications of NOT having a righteous, good father and the impact it can have on a little girl. I KNOW from my own experience what it is like to live WITHOUT that, but she doesn't. She has a dad. Her own mother doesn't get it either (the grandma whom I am guessing has MUCH to do with this decision to keep this baby). I actually didn't realize myself how PASSIONATE I am about adoption until now, with this happening. It has brought back a lot of ghosts from my growing up years. I didn't just have divorced parents, I had a completely ABSENT dad. One that would maybe send a birthday card (sometimes on the wrong child's birthday-I had two sisters during those years) once a year and occasional, awkward visits. Also, because of the "absent" dad, I had a mother who worked full time my entire life, and though she did an AMAZING job and provided us with many great things, I went without a lot of life experiences that she simply could not provide. I did inherit a step dad during my teen years, and that was a blessing, but it also was not the easiest. I know my life experiences helped me to be a more compassionate person and blah blah blah, but in the end, I would not wish my complicated life on anyone! This little baby-EVERY little baby- deserves (an in my opinion-needs) two loving and PRESENT parents who can provide her with EVERYTHING she needs! I'm sorry, but a teenager and her mother trying to provide the same? It's impossible. This baby is going to miss out on so many opportunities and experiences that will have a lasting effect on her life. I also think this TEENAGER is missing out on the one chance she has to completely right her wrong and rise above this heartache and set the proper example for her two younger sisters. I know the thought of a baby must sound fabulous to her-she will get attention, she will get help and encouragement, but she will always have to live with the burden and the knowledge that she can't do it all. I wish she could just have a crystal ball to foresee what is to come. This baby will not stay a baby for long. She will be a complex, thinking human being who will need SOOOOO much more than a teenage girl will be able to give and it is this child who will have to pick up the slack.
I know other teenage girls have chosen to keep their kids and maybe it hasn't always been doom and gloom. But I am simply comparing what this baby COULD have to what she will get and that is what makes it so sad to me.
So, as it stands today, we still have hope that she could change her mind and find it in her heart to remember why she considered adoption in the first place. We put the prayers out there and hope for the best. We know it is a long shot. Teenagers who don't have a lot of parental support are far less likely to choose adoption and this seems to be the case. When I was telling my mom about this, she actually enlightened me a bit. I hadn't thought of it before, but this birth mother of ours has a "sixtiesh" year old dad but her mom is still in her forties. My mom reminded me that she was about that age when she delivered my little brother. She said that it probably just seems natural to this grandma to want to step in and help raise the baby. Then my mom asked me if I wouldn't do the same thing if the situation were mine? I have thought about this and my answer is absolutely NOOOOOOO! (Let me explain and please, this is just my opinion-no hate mail for me if you don't agree):) For all the reasons I explained above and more, I have decided that if I ever had a sixteen year old daughter sit me down and explain that she were in this predicament, immediately this child's right "to choose" would be revoked. Obviously she is not capable of making such a huge life decision (that completely effects another human being's entire life) if she has already made THAT choice. No child under the age of eighteen at my house will be keeping a child and expecting help from her father and myself. As much as it would probably KILL me to have to "give away" my first born grand child to another family, it is the ONLY correct thing to do (FOR THE CHILD!!!). In my eyes, the only way to correct such a selfish wrong act is to do the complete opposite unselfish act. To right the wrong and fully repent. That is how MY daughter would HAVE to deal with this issue and there would be no further discussion (Steve and I have actually thought about drawing up some sort of contract and presenting it to her before she leaves on her first date-so this does not come as a shock- just in case). I actually KNOW with complete certainty that supporting my daughter FULL ON with going through with an adoption would greatly impact her life for the better too. I have friends who have given up their babies for adoption and my respect for them is so above and beyond, especially now, when I can see exactly HOW hard it is to go through with an adoption. It truly is a miracle! That is exactly why, if THIS baby girl adoption does not pan out for us, we will keep pursuing adoption. Hey, this baby boy of mine is going to need a sibling! I am convinced that being a part of an adoption experience would be such a blessing to our family-even though this experience has been so draining. It initially seemed so perfect too,(heck, it STILL seems perfect. All we can do is pray) that's what makes it hard.
I just think these little experiences in life, this is how we grow and isn't that why we are on this planet anyway?