I am not sure why it is so hard for me to get back on the blogging track?! I feel so much better about life when I can stay organized and up to date as well as get random thoughts out of my brain! Blogging is pretty therapeutic for me. I posted my last two posts after weeks of getting close to no sleep. It was funny, as soon as I got all those thoughts out of my head into the computer, I slept so much better and everything started to feel more peaceful around our house. Blogging is such good, cheap therapy. I had no idea! I just got done reading back over those last two posts and I am realizing they sound a little 'forlorn" (not to mention all the typos and word substitutions-I did go through and fix those). I probably need to do a quick post to give a more accurate picture of how we are doing now. So here goes:
We are pretty sure we are only going to be bringing home one new baby this spring. We have not even heard if the birth mother has given birth to the baby girl? It would be nice, for some more permanent "closure", if we knew some stats and details, but we have never been through this whole adoption backfiring thing before and are not quite sure what the protocol is? Do they just drop all ties with us? Does our case worker learn info and fill us in? I guess we will have to figure that all out, but anyway, we are just grateful to be back in a place where we are calm and content with how this whole experience is panning out. I truly think that a lot of our comfort has come from prayers and thoughts from friends and family. So thank you, everyone, for all you have done to help us get through it. We did have a little rough patch of sadness and anger, but we are finally back to a state of being blissfully excited and happy about welcoming our new little boy here in the next few weeks. We are so glad that this whole adoption thing is not taking away from the joy we still feel for our little boy. We finally have his room pretty much ready (I say pretty much because I tried "touching up" his paint, and it isn't matching, so we will need to do a quick once over the whole thing) but that can come later if need be. He has a bed, a dresser with a reasonable amount of newborn baby items in it and an entire family awaiting his arrival! We cannot wait to snuggle this little kid to pieces and just sit back and enjoy him! We have waited so long! I am excited to have Lewis an Conner be at such a helpful age too. It is going to be enjoyable rather than crazy and I am super stoked about that.
Well, this is our life right now. I STILL need to get my act together and download some photos of our last FOUR months of life (my camera is JAM PACKED)and get caught up. I thought I would get to that over Spring Break (which was last week for us) but I was too busy getting the NESTING stuff out of my system. It feels sooooo great to have our house in order and ready! And, it's a good thing too seeings how I am still having those blasted contractions! I have another appointment on Wednesday and they will do the labor tests again to see if I have another good two weeks of time to keep this little guy inside. We have our fingers crossed that that will be the case. We want him to come as close to delivery day as possible so wish us luck!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
"Past Due" Baby Update (Baby #1)
No, I am not anywhere close to past due myself, but I do think I have neglected the blog world for way too long with an adequate update, so here goes. SOOOOOO much has been happening, most of it a little on the "drama" side, so bare with the me. I might have some "splaining" to do (and it might take awhile-so get comfy).
I guess I'll start first with MY little bun in the oven. HE is doing exceptionally well. However, his poor mother is a complete mess! For starters, I just spent a lovely 4 hours in labor and delivery yesterday for my second "preterm labor" scare! Oh, it was just so great I will say. For the past month and a half, I have been having contractions that do not go away. At first they seemed to come on sporadically (as Braxton Hicks should) but slowly, they were just constant and ever present. At one point, toward the beginning of March, I finally went in to the doctor (after basically having to hobble around like a little old lady for days)to find out "if this is NORMAL?" Well, they did the preterm labor tests and I cleared them all, which did not explain the pain? I did feel a little peace knowing I was not going to deliver a two pound kid though and I followed the "take it easy" advice (as much as you possibly can while teaching kindergarten:)) Anyway, a few days later at my specialist appointment, I found out this little guy had been in the breech position and thus, some reasoning behind the PAIN involved in walking.
Recently, he just turned himself around, much to my appreciation and great relief and since then, the pain has been far less distracting-however the continuous contractions have remained.
My specialist has been having me go into the maternal fetal medicine place twice a week now for non stress tests to check amniotic fluid levels through ultra sound and monitor heart rate and fetal activity for forty minutes. This has been interesting and I have been about five times so far. Every time I get hooked up, I leave with a clean bill of sale but the nurses always look a little curious about the contractions. They always ask me if I can feel them and I say, "not really when I am resting, only when I am walking or in the upright position." I guess up until yesterday they have been sporadic enough that I have been good to go. So, imagine my surprise when the nurse yesterday announced that my contractions were coming in regular THREE minute intervals and that I had to go into labor and delivery for further tests!!! What? (I had plans to go to the bank, Kohl's and a bookstore after this. . .) I totally was not planning to possibly deliver a child. I tried to explain that I didn't feel ANY different then what I have been feeling for the past month or so, but even though they were (well who am I kidding, as I sit here they are still happening, so ARE) not very strong, they were still very regular.
So, I did all the tests again. They do a few different things to check for labor, all of which are embarrassing and uncomfortable, and then you are just asked to sit and wait for the results (oh plus endure a nice big shot in your heiny-to help baby's lungs develop in case I deliver anytime soon). I am dilated slightly, but not enough for worry and my tests came back, once again, in the clear- proving I am not yet in labor. Dr. Lunt explained that this test should buy me at least another two weeks-meaning I should be able to keep this kid in there for at least that long. I am praying for a full term baby of course so I am doing all I can to rest and drink and all the other things they keep telling me to do.
I just wish they could tell me why I am contracting like this? They say there is usually a reason, but they have not found it. Plus, when I asked about the drug that stops or slows contractions, I was told that I am too late in the game for those to work now, even though I am only thirty-four weeks.
When I told my mom about our little trip to the hospital last night, she said she is not surprised. She reminded me that at the beginning of this pregnancy, my specialist was NOT optimistic that I would carry to term. I remember being so mad at that thought and slowly I have brushed it off to the point where I had almost forgotten he said that. Every month when go in for my visits he has been more optimistic and the baby is always so healthy. I guess in the end, I need to remember that this is a miracle baby who is staying alive by the grace of God and a miracle drug (heparin). It is still a high risk pregnancy, even if I'd like to imagine its not. I just hope no more trips to the hospital until about MAY 20th!!!
I guess I'll start first with MY little bun in the oven. HE is doing exceptionally well. However, his poor mother is a complete mess! For starters, I just spent a lovely 4 hours in labor and delivery yesterday for my second "preterm labor" scare! Oh, it was just so great I will say. For the past month and a half, I have been having contractions that do not go away. At first they seemed to come on sporadically (as Braxton Hicks should) but slowly, they were just constant and ever present. At one point, toward the beginning of March, I finally went in to the doctor (after basically having to hobble around like a little old lady for days)to find out "if this is NORMAL?" Well, they did the preterm labor tests and I cleared them all, which did not explain the pain? I did feel a little peace knowing I was not going to deliver a two pound kid though and I followed the "take it easy" advice (as much as you possibly can while teaching kindergarten:)) Anyway, a few days later at my specialist appointment, I found out this little guy had been in the breech position and thus, some reasoning behind the PAIN involved in walking.
Recently, he just turned himself around, much to my appreciation and great relief and since then, the pain has been far less distracting-however the continuous contractions have remained.
My specialist has been having me go into the maternal fetal medicine place twice a week now for non stress tests to check amniotic fluid levels through ultra sound and monitor heart rate and fetal activity for forty minutes. This has been interesting and I have been about five times so far. Every time I get hooked up, I leave with a clean bill of sale but the nurses always look a little curious about the contractions. They always ask me if I can feel them and I say, "not really when I am resting, only when I am walking or in the upright position." I guess up until yesterday they have been sporadic enough that I have been good to go. So, imagine my surprise when the nurse yesterday announced that my contractions were coming in regular THREE minute intervals and that I had to go into labor and delivery for further tests!!! What? (I had plans to go to the bank, Kohl's and a bookstore after this. . .) I totally was not planning to possibly deliver a child. I tried to explain that I didn't feel ANY different then what I have been feeling for the past month or so, but even though they were (well who am I kidding, as I sit here they are still happening, so ARE) not very strong, they were still very regular.
So, I did all the tests again. They do a few different things to check for labor, all of which are embarrassing and uncomfortable, and then you are just asked to sit and wait for the results (oh plus endure a nice big shot in your heiny-to help baby's lungs develop in case I deliver anytime soon). I am dilated slightly, but not enough for worry and my tests came back, once again, in the clear- proving I am not yet in labor. Dr. Lunt explained that this test should buy me at least another two weeks-meaning I should be able to keep this kid in there for at least that long. I am praying for a full term baby of course so I am doing all I can to rest and drink and all the other things they keep telling me to do.
I just wish they could tell me why I am contracting like this? They say there is usually a reason, but they have not found it. Plus, when I asked about the drug that stops or slows contractions, I was told that I am too late in the game for those to work now, even though I am only thirty-four weeks.
When I told my mom about our little trip to the hospital last night, she said she is not surprised. She reminded me that at the beginning of this pregnancy, my specialist was NOT optimistic that I would carry to term. I remember being so mad at that thought and slowly I have brushed it off to the point where I had almost forgotten he said that. Every month when go in for my visits he has been more optimistic and the baby is always so healthy. I guess in the end, I need to remember that this is a miracle baby who is staying alive by the grace of God and a miracle drug (heparin). It is still a high risk pregnancy, even if I'd like to imagine its not. I just hope no more trips to the hospital until about MAY 20th!!!
"Past Due" Baby Update (Baby #2)
Okay, on to baby number two (if you have the will to stick it out through another lengthy update).
So, things in the adoption area have not been running so smoothly either. A few weeks ago, we got our first shocking email from the birth mother of our little girl. She has been having second thoughts and is wanting to keep the baby now. At first, we were just terribly shocked and hurt-it came out of nowhere-she is sixteen (well, I guess she just had a birthday-so seventeen)!!!! Nothing ever gave us the indication that such a young girl, with her whole life ahead of her, would want to make this terrible mistake, but alas, she is pregnant and attached to this baby (which, being pregnant myself, I have a strong understanding of right now). After the initial shock and sadness wore away, we went through an ANGRY stage where I just didn't want to discuss it, think about it-whatever. I was just mad. We had been planning and preparing for this little blessing that had been HANDED to us, now I was left to figure out "what are we to learn from this?" not to mention, what do I do with all this baby girl stuff I had been accumulating-Just maddening for a pregnant woman who is trying to nest! Then, a few days later, our attitudes were all about this little baby girl and have remained there to this day. I could not (still can't) understand why her needs are not being put first and foremost? I actually have had time to think about this a lot (and through emails, we have tried to give our two cents about all this to this young birth mom) and what it all boils down to is she doesn't realize what she will be keeping from her daughter. She doesn't understand the ramifications of NOT having a righteous, good father and the impact it can have on a little girl. I KNOW from my own experience what it is like to live WITHOUT that, but she doesn't. She has a dad. Her own mother doesn't get it either (the grandma whom I am guessing has MUCH to do with this decision to keep this baby). I actually didn't realize myself how PASSIONATE I am about adoption until now, with this happening. It has brought back a lot of ghosts from my growing up years. I didn't just have divorced parents, I had a completely ABSENT dad. One that would maybe send a birthday card (sometimes on the wrong child's birthday-I had two sisters during those years) once a year and occasional, awkward visits. Also, because of the "absent" dad, I had a mother who worked full time my entire life, and though she did an AMAZING job and provided us with many great things, I went without a lot of life experiences that she simply could not provide. I did inherit a step dad during my teen years, and that was a blessing, but it also was not the easiest. I know my life experiences helped me to be a more compassionate person and blah blah blah, but in the end, I would not wish my complicated life on anyone! This little baby-EVERY little baby- deserves (an in my opinion-needs) two loving and PRESENT parents who can provide her with EVERYTHING she needs! I'm sorry, but a teenager and her mother trying to provide the same? It's impossible. This baby is going to miss out on so many opportunities and experiences that will have a lasting effect on her life. I also think this TEENAGER is missing out on the one chance she has to completely right her wrong and rise above this heartache and set the proper example for her two younger sisters. I know the thought of a baby must sound fabulous to her-she will get attention, she will get help and encouragement, but she will always have to live with the burden and the knowledge that she can't do it all. I wish she could just have a crystal ball to foresee what is to come. This baby will not stay a baby for long. She will be a complex, thinking human being who will need SOOOOO much more than a teenage girl will be able to give and it is this child who will have to pick up the slack.
I know other teenage girls have chosen to keep their kids and maybe it hasn't always been doom and gloom. But I am simply comparing what this baby COULD have to what she will get and that is what makes it so sad to me.
So, as it stands today, we still have hope that she could change her mind and find it in her heart to remember why she considered adoption in the first place. We put the prayers out there and hope for the best. We know it is a long shot. Teenagers who don't have a lot of parental support are far less likely to choose adoption and this seems to be the case. When I was telling my mom about this, she actually enlightened me a bit. I hadn't thought of it before, but this birth mother of ours has a "sixtiesh" year old dad but her mom is still in her forties. My mom reminded me that she was about that age when she delivered my little brother. She said that it probably just seems natural to this grandma to want to step in and help raise the baby. Then my mom asked me if I wouldn't do the same thing if the situation were mine? I have thought about this and my answer is absolutely NOOOOOOO! (Let me explain and please, this is just my opinion-no hate mail for me if you don't agree):) For all the reasons I explained above and more, I have decided that if I ever had a sixteen year old daughter sit me down and explain that she were in this predicament, immediately this child's right "to choose" would be revoked. Obviously she is not capable of making such a huge life decision (that completely effects another human being's entire life) if she has already made THAT choice. No child under the age of eighteen at my house will be keeping a child and expecting help from her father and myself. As much as it would probably KILL me to have to "give away" my first born grand child to another family, it is the ONLY correct thing to do (FOR THE CHILD!!!). In my eyes, the only way to correct such a selfish wrong act is to do the complete opposite unselfish act. To right the wrong and fully repent. That is how MY daughter would HAVE to deal with this issue and there would be no further discussion (Steve and I have actually thought about drawing up some sort of contract and presenting it to her before she leaves on her first date-so this does not come as a shock- just in case). I actually KNOW with complete certainty that supporting my daughter FULL ON with going through with an adoption would greatly impact her life for the better too. I have friends who have given up their babies for adoption and my respect for them is so above and beyond, especially now, when I can see exactly HOW hard it is to go through with an adoption. It truly is a miracle! That is exactly why, if THIS baby girl adoption does not pan out for us, we will keep pursuing adoption. Hey, this baby boy of mine is going to need a sibling! I am convinced that being a part of an adoption experience would be such a blessing to our family-even though this experience has been so draining. It initially seemed so perfect too,(heck, it STILL seems perfect. All we can do is pray) that's what makes it hard.
I just think these little experiences in life, this is how we grow and isn't that why we are on this planet anyway?
So, things in the adoption area have not been running so smoothly either. A few weeks ago, we got our first shocking email from the birth mother of our little girl. She has been having second thoughts and is wanting to keep the baby now. At first, we were just terribly shocked and hurt-it came out of nowhere-she is sixteen (well, I guess she just had a birthday-so seventeen)!!!! Nothing ever gave us the indication that such a young girl, with her whole life ahead of her, would want to make this terrible mistake, but alas, she is pregnant and attached to this baby (which, being pregnant myself, I have a strong understanding of right now). After the initial shock and sadness wore away, we went through an ANGRY stage where I just didn't want to discuss it, think about it-whatever. I was just mad. We had been planning and preparing for this little blessing that had been HANDED to us, now I was left to figure out "what are we to learn from this?" not to mention, what do I do with all this baby girl stuff I had been accumulating-Just maddening for a pregnant woman who is trying to nest! Then, a few days later, our attitudes were all about this little baby girl and have remained there to this day. I could not (still can't) understand why her needs are not being put first and foremost? I actually have had time to think about this a lot (and through emails, we have tried to give our two cents about all this to this young birth mom) and what it all boils down to is she doesn't realize what she will be keeping from her daughter. She doesn't understand the ramifications of NOT having a righteous, good father and the impact it can have on a little girl. I KNOW from my own experience what it is like to live WITHOUT that, but she doesn't. She has a dad. Her own mother doesn't get it either (the grandma whom I am guessing has MUCH to do with this decision to keep this baby). I actually didn't realize myself how PASSIONATE I am about adoption until now, with this happening. It has brought back a lot of ghosts from my growing up years. I didn't just have divorced parents, I had a completely ABSENT dad. One that would maybe send a birthday card (sometimes on the wrong child's birthday-I had two sisters during those years) once a year and occasional, awkward visits. Also, because of the "absent" dad, I had a mother who worked full time my entire life, and though she did an AMAZING job and provided us with many great things, I went without a lot of life experiences that she simply could not provide. I did inherit a step dad during my teen years, and that was a blessing, but it also was not the easiest. I know my life experiences helped me to be a more compassionate person and blah blah blah, but in the end, I would not wish my complicated life on anyone! This little baby-EVERY little baby- deserves (an in my opinion-needs) two loving and PRESENT parents who can provide her with EVERYTHING she needs! I'm sorry, but a teenager and her mother trying to provide the same? It's impossible. This baby is going to miss out on so many opportunities and experiences that will have a lasting effect on her life. I also think this TEENAGER is missing out on the one chance she has to completely right her wrong and rise above this heartache and set the proper example for her two younger sisters. I know the thought of a baby must sound fabulous to her-she will get attention, she will get help and encouragement, but she will always have to live with the burden and the knowledge that she can't do it all. I wish she could just have a crystal ball to foresee what is to come. This baby will not stay a baby for long. She will be a complex, thinking human being who will need SOOOOO much more than a teenage girl will be able to give and it is this child who will have to pick up the slack.
I know other teenage girls have chosen to keep their kids and maybe it hasn't always been doom and gloom. But I am simply comparing what this baby COULD have to what she will get and that is what makes it so sad to me.
So, as it stands today, we still have hope that she could change her mind and find it in her heart to remember why she considered adoption in the first place. We put the prayers out there and hope for the best. We know it is a long shot. Teenagers who don't have a lot of parental support are far less likely to choose adoption and this seems to be the case. When I was telling my mom about this, she actually enlightened me a bit. I hadn't thought of it before, but this birth mother of ours has a "sixtiesh" year old dad but her mom is still in her forties. My mom reminded me that she was about that age when she delivered my little brother. She said that it probably just seems natural to this grandma to want to step in and help raise the baby. Then my mom asked me if I wouldn't do the same thing if the situation were mine? I have thought about this and my answer is absolutely NOOOOOOO! (Let me explain and please, this is just my opinion-no hate mail for me if you don't agree):) For all the reasons I explained above and more, I have decided that if I ever had a sixteen year old daughter sit me down and explain that she were in this predicament, immediately this child's right "to choose" would be revoked. Obviously she is not capable of making such a huge life decision (that completely effects another human being's entire life) if she has already made THAT choice. No child under the age of eighteen at my house will be keeping a child and expecting help from her father and myself. As much as it would probably KILL me to have to "give away" my first born grand child to another family, it is the ONLY correct thing to do (FOR THE CHILD!!!). In my eyes, the only way to correct such a selfish wrong act is to do the complete opposite unselfish act. To right the wrong and fully repent. That is how MY daughter would HAVE to deal with this issue and there would be no further discussion (Steve and I have actually thought about drawing up some sort of contract and presenting it to her before she leaves on her first date-so this does not come as a shock- just in case). I actually KNOW with complete certainty that supporting my daughter FULL ON with going through with an adoption would greatly impact her life for the better too. I have friends who have given up their babies for adoption and my respect for them is so above and beyond, especially now, when I can see exactly HOW hard it is to go through with an adoption. It truly is a miracle! That is exactly why, if THIS baby girl adoption does not pan out for us, we will keep pursuing adoption. Hey, this baby boy of mine is going to need a sibling! I am convinced that being a part of an adoption experience would be such a blessing to our family-even though this experience has been so draining. It initially seemed so perfect too,(heck, it STILL seems perfect. All we can do is pray) that's what makes it hard.
I just think these little experiences in life, this is how we grow and isn't that why we are on this planet anyway?
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