The Ups and the Downs

This past couple of weeks have been so full of ups and downs and highs and lows. One day, I will feel ON TOP of the world for getting through the night without too much sleep lost and then the next I will be at my wits end because I did not get a chance to shower or make dinner for the boys. It has been a series of back and forth and tug and pull, one day actually making it to the movie theatre with Lewis (we saw the movie, Up, so cute!) and the next, finding myself stranded at home AGAIN because my baby's schedule does not coincide with what the rest of my family has planned. All of these highs and lows are dominated by the simple fact that I am NOT a cow and I really wish I were! What I mean is, nursing does NOT come easy for me. In fact, it has been down right HARD this time around. Looking back on my experiences with Lewis and Conner, I can see why I was successful at nursing Lewis and why I completely GAVE UP on the idea of nursing Conner. Brayden is somewhere in between. He is really a CHAMPION at eating when he is ravenously hungry, but he constantly wants to nurse and it takes me a little over one full hour to feed him! Then he falls asleep for literally 30-45 minutes and wants to do it all over again! It has been exhausting. Add on a heaping dose of GUILT for neglecting the rest of my family while I have been doing all this and it is easy to see why the downs have really been dragging me, well, DOWN.

It all started at about his two week mark. The lactation lady told me he would be going through a growth spurt and that I might need to be "on the clock" for feeding more often until my body "catches up". Most people only have to endure this non stop nursing for a few days, but this literally has been going on for over a week and I STILL am not satisfying the hunger needs of my growing boy. I have tried every trick under the sun to bump up my milk supply. I have a really great pump. I have the lactation lady on speed dial. I have tried supplementing with a tube attached to the side while he nurses. I have been taking the herbs that are supposed to bump up the mil supply as well as drinking gallons of water each day. I have literally tried it all and while I think it is starting to level off (yeah!) it has left me a bit battle scarred.

I just really would like the ups to start outwaying the downs. I would like to feel NORMAL and go places with my family without being completely TERRIFIED that my baby will wake up and need me to do the full on feeding fest! We have been supplementing a little bit with formula and pumped milk here and there, but my motivation to keep going with nursing is still strong. Just walking up the formula aisle in Target is enough of a boost for me. Formula is expensive. Nursing is free. However, it is NOT without its challenges and apparently, does not come as easily for some as it does for others.

The other day, Lewis said to me, "Mom, I am sorry it is so hard to feed Brayden." I said back, "That's okay Lewis. It will get easier and isn't he worth it?" Lewis smiled and said, "Yeah! Besides mom, we can DO HARD THINGS!" Which is sooo true. It is our family "motto". We CAN do hard things and it is usually the HARD things that are soooo worth the effort.

So, for now, I will keep plugging away at this. As long as I have a few ups to go with the many downs, I can keep my eye on the prize. I am just grateful that I am in a place where I CAN keep working at this. I gave up with Conner because I had a two-year-old running around and demanding my attention too and Conner was a fall asleep and barely suck kind of kid. When Lewis was nursing, well, he was all I had to focus on. Plus, he was AWESOME at nursing! It was literally ten minutes on each side and then he wanted DOWN! I think my milk came in better for him too because he was so great at doing it and I had time to pump after almost every meal with him-he was no nonsense! Brayden will start off strong and then laze around, barely sucking if I'd let him and because the whole process takes so long, the idea of pumping is usually too much.

But, there are some ups that have come from this crazy two weeks of "power nursing" (it's what the lactation lady calls it). I have FINALLY been able to READ real books!!!!!! I have six under my belt so far and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. I MIGHT actually be on the road to recovery for the FIFTY book challenge that I vowed I would do this year. I am sooo excited to be able to have time to read again. It has been great. I will make sure to update at Goodreads as well as post about my latest reads as soon as I can. As for now, my little baby's dinner bell is ringing this very instant. I better go clock back in! Time to nurse!